My Angel Tree © Kirsty Bilski 2007
All Rights Reserved
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‘My Angel Tree’
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At the age of 10 Jessica was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of Liver Cancer. She endured months of chemotherapy followed by extensive surgery only to learn she was unlikely to survive. She finally died at the Children's Hospice, Little Bridge House in North Devon a little over a year later. During her illness she touched the lives of many people. She was an inspiration, a much loved and treasured child. Jessica’s story is about love, honesty, family and intense loss, as well as survival, courage, fortitude and ultimate peace ~ every day issues which relate on some level to us all.
Kirsty Bilski, Jessica's Mother, began writing ‘My Angel Tree’ only a few short weeks after her death. Although the family were extremely honest with Jessica's brother and sister at the time, Kirsty wanted to write Jessica's story so they would understand all that happened when they were older. They were so young when she died and in time their memories would fade, Kirsty felt the book would help them to know their sister and hopefully prompt them to remember other special moments of their own. Along the way, writing the book became a cathartic journey, a healing process which helped Kirsty to make sense of her loss and the overwhelming pain of her experience. It also became clear that the enormity of Kirsty’s journey and Jessica’s experience would be useful and valuable to others . Therefore, upon completion of the book it was sent out to be considered for publication.
The book took 5 years to complete and has now been published by Apex Publishing Ltd (September 2008). All Author royalties, from the book, will be going to Children's Hospice South West in order to benefit other children and their families. Kirsty hopes that through publishing ‘My Angel Tree’ something of Jessica’s strength and courage will continue on and help others in some way . Jess was known for her genuine kind heart and love of all people, she would have been proud to support the publication of her story and to know she would potentially be touching the lives and experience of so many people.
Look At You Feature
Western Daily Press September 17th 2008.
Kirsty Bilski has survived the worst that could happen to a mother ~ the death of her darling daughter Jessica. Now she’s written a remarkable book about the tradgedy, writes Women’s Editor Susie Weldon.
Kirsty Bilski has never sought the limelight. She never wanted to be recognised in
her home town of Wellington, Somerset, as a mother whose daughter, Jessica Leigh-
She never wanted to display her grief aand loss before strangers, even though they were emotions she could not hide. And she certainly never wanted to gain a kind of fame in the area for having written such a searingly honest and deeply moving account of the 18 months leading up to Jessica’s death in February 2002.
Even now, after opening herself up to public scrutiny in My Angel Tree, she admits: “There’s something very hard about being so visible.”
But, in many ways, Kirsty feels that much of what has happened since Jess died was
meant to be. The book which started out as a private project, has “taken on a life
of its own”, and Kirsty has been overwhelmed by the “amazing e-
“I’ve never been taught to write, I’m just a Mum,” she says, over a cup of tea in her family home.
“But I wanted it to be me, my words. And my biggest aim was to make a difference to other people.”
All around us are photographs – of Jess, her sister Gemma, now 15, and brother Stewart,14, and of Jerzy, Kirsty’s second husband.
There’s a sense of warmth and love here which comes across very clearly, and Kirsty talks eloquently, openly and surprisingly easily about the most difficult subject in the world – the death of her “darling daughter”.
Jess was 10 when she first started complaining of stomach pains. Over weeks, the pains got worse. She developed a mysterious itchiness on her legs which spread to the rest of her body.
She lost her appetite, became increasingly tired and her eyes turned yellow – a sign of liver problems. Months later, doctors discovered the reason: a massive liver tumour. The cancer was rare and aggressive and had already started spreading.
Despite the valiant efforts of Jess and all who treated her, in the end it couldn’t be defeated.
There are no parenting manuals that can prepare you for the loss of your child and none that can show you how to help them through the last days of their life. “I didn’t know how to do it” says Kirsty, “I just tried to follow my heart.”
“It would have been easy to try to shield her from the truth, “she says, “society expects you to shield and guard your children.
“But Jess trusted me to tell her what I knew and she gained a strength from knowing that she could trust me. She could go to bed at night and know that the next day would be another day that we would make the most of.
“I remember asking her toward the end if she would have preferred not to have known, because I know that the fear of dying was there for her. She believed that we go on after death but she didn’t know how she would die or whether she’d be in pain.
“She said no, she couldn’t bear the thought that I wouldn’t have told her the truth. She wanted to be able to say goodbye to the people she loved.”
Kirsty tells the story of Jess’s fight for life with an honesty that makes My Angel Tree – named after the tree in the church graveyard where Jess is buried – very hard to put down.
Yet while it’s intensely sad and filled with the rawness of grief, it’s not in any
way a bleak book. As Noel Edmonds, who wrote the foreward, says: “The success of
the book, and its very essence, is that this unbearably sad experience is transformed
into an uplifting and heart-
Kirsty knows she will never be whole again. Jess’s loss has left a cavity in her life that can never be filled. But writing the book has helped her reach “a place of peace”.
It began partly as a gift to Gemma and Stewart, who were just five and four when their sister became ill, and partly as a way for Kirsty to work through her own grief and anger.
“To call it the depths of despair isn’t enough – it’s overwhelming,” she says quietly. “It’s like being washed over by this huge wave that rises up, and in the early days it was bery hard for me to contain it. It was like being cast adrift, and that’s why I say this book was my journey home.”
Initially Kirsty had no intention of publishing her memoir. But after going to see a spiritualist, Kirsty began to wonder if the book – then just in draft form on her computer – should be given a wider airing.
“She didn’t know me, but the things she said during that meeting made me think that perhaps I should publish it,” she recalls.
Hesitantly Kirsty asked Gemma’s English teacher to read it: “I thought he’d tell me it was rubbish and that I could then put it away and forget about publishing it,” she said. “But he didn’t – he phoned me up and completely overwhelmed me with praise. He said ‘Mrs Bilski, this absolutely has to be published!’ He said amazing things.”
Today, despite her deep sorrow there is a remarkable serenity about Kirsty. She has learned that it is possible to survive the worst that life throws at you: “You can be washed over by grief and you can be full of sorrow but it’s survivable” she says.
Since Jess’s death , she has trained as a counsellor and now works with children. She officially launched her book last Friday (12th September 2008) at a ball in Taunton which doubled as a fundraiser for Children’s Hospice South West, raising about £5000.
Jess’s Pictures......
When My Angel Tree was published Jess’s artwork was unable to be included. Throughout this website you will find some of her pictures displayed.
This is Jess’s interpretation of Little Bridge House Children’s Hospice
Jess did this drawing for a competition
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She would have been so proud
A Beautiful Baby
A Special Relationship
Right from the start....
“I’ll Love you forever
and know you to be
An Angel in heaven
but a part of me”